DmitryBrant.com

1. When waiting for the elevator, come up and press the button when it’s already lit up. Don’t trust me or anyone else to press the button correctly.

2. Inside the elevator, make sure to press the “Close Door” button repeatedly on every floor at which the elevator stops.

3. At the crosswalk, press the button at least ten times. Obviously, the more you press the button, the faster you’ll get a green light.

When I was growing up, my favorite pet was my cat Boots. I fed him, played with him, and taught him tricks. Later, when he took out my jugular with a single swipe of his mighty paw, I realized Boots wasn’t a cat at all, but a ferocious tiger.