DmitryBrant.com

Be at peace, sweet Mole,
You are the mole on my heart.
High-five, little one.

My first cell phone was an analog/digital Ericsson model, which was absolutely enormous compared to more modern models, and had no additional features whatsoever. Its battery life, even when idle, was never more than 12 hours. After about a year of use (and abuse, since I dropped it on numerous occasions, and left it out in the snow once for 6 hours), the phone began to wither away. The screen would flicker randomly, and the whole system would crash, requiring a hard reset every hour or so. Then, one fine evening in the winter of 2001, the phone said its final goodbye, as seen in the picture.

No further hard resets would revive it, and all attempts at charging it would fail. I had a theory that the arrangement of pixels on the display is really a suicide note from the phone, but I haven’t had time yet to decipher it. Suggestions?

The Legend of Kyrandia was an adventure game for DOS released by Westwood Studios. Although the puzzles were a bit weak, the graphics were pretty spectacular and overall gameplay was quite smooth. There was actually a trilogy of the Kyrandia games that were released, but I’ve only really played through the first one. As I played, I drew a detailed map of each of the levels and places, complete with hints and solutions to some of the puzzles. Here it is.

I have only been to Columbus, OH once in my life. Interestingly, this one visit created enough trauma to last a lifetime…

I went down to Columbus with my then-girlfriend during the summer of 2000 to see Eric Idle perform his show which he entitled Liverdance: Eric Idle Exploits Monty Python. The show itself was terrific; it was what happened before the show that had caused the personal anguish.

We stopped by a Wendy’s in downtown Columbus to get a bite to eat before the show. We were finishing up, when Sue went to the restroom. As I was eating the rest of my fries, I saw a slightly overweight black gentleman enter the restaurant. He was walking somewhat oddly and aimlessly. I also noticed that in his hand he was clutching a collection of small dolls dressed in different tiny outfits.

This man proceeded to walk toward my table, and I tried my hardest to turn away and pretend I wasn’t noticing him. I was thinking to myself, “Please, just walk past me!” But, of course, he came by and sat down right beside me at the table. (Let me mention that, throughout this ordeal, the man didn’t say a word, but instead made a lot of disturbing whimpering noises)

He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a bunch of pictures of cartoon characters that he cut out from different magazines and laminated. He laid them out on the table and began to play with them. He also laid out his dolls next to the cartoon characters in a curious circular pattern.

Then he reached down, grabbed my foot, and put it on his lap. He picked up the cartoon characters and began to arrange them on my shoe. (You must understand that, throughout this spectacle, I was completely shocked and dumbfounded, and almost too stunned to move!)

But this was the breaking point. I sharply pulled away my foot, spilling some of the cartoon characters onto the floor. The man squealed gently, picked up the characters and his dolls, and scurried away. A minute later, Sue came back from the restroom, to find me sitting at the table, motionless, unable to speak, and forever traumatized.

This will forever be my image of Columbus.

The Tournament (double-elimination) was held in the Senior Lounge in the High School. I was knocked down to the second bracket rather early at the hand of Mark, the tournament-favorite. However, I bounced back to claim third place (second went to Steve). Here are the results.

This is a song written long ago by Evan Humphreys and performed by him and myself at a company picnic of the now-nonexistent Thermovation Engineering.

It’s hard to believe it’s been four weeks or five
Since the people I worked with were all still alive.
This is a plea for innocence, but it’s a warning, too:
The fate that has doomed me may soon befall you,
If you ever use a terminal screwdriver.

It all started at the open-house at Pepco
Where Michael Brant and I always used to go.
We ate up those clams, we drank from our drinks.
We had no idea that we were on the brink
Of a fatal discovery… of a terminal discovery.

I saw them sitting over on a side table.
I decided to get one if I was able.
The smooth black handle gave no hint of death.
The shiny steel head seemed just the right width
For a terminal screwdriver… for those 6mm Entrelecs.

When Michael dropped me off later that night
I left it on his dashboard just by mistake
When Bonnie asked me where he was the next day,
I assumed it was the vodka which had made him late
Not a terminal screwdriver. How was I to know?

I was horrified when I saw the grizzly scene
Michael stabbed to death on the vinyl seat!
But I didn’t consider the cause of his expiring
As I picked up the tool ’cause I still had to do some wiring
With the terminal screwdriver. It was the terminal screwdriver.

Well over at storage I was working with Jim,
And I went out to get us both some lunch.
Returning, I found him with little holes in his head,
His body trapped under the green lead punch.
And I began to wonder about the terminal screwdriver.

When I finished work at ProFab the next day,
I left it sitting in the panel.
To my horror, I found the following morning,
Lou’s heart was punctured right through his flanel
By the terminal screwdriver. It is a terminal screwdriver.

Now I’m in jail and I’m awaiting my fate.
I tried to tell them, but it may be too late.
It’s back at the office, ’cause they’re sure I was the killer.
They’ll know what it really is when they find Mr. Miller.
It is a terminal screwdriver.
Yes… it’s terminal.